I love Matthew West.
Matthew is a popular Christian singer and I used his music as encouragement and inspiration for my own soul on my journey to discovering Jesus over the past year. West recently released a new song, “Modest is Hottest,” a song written for his daughters to encourage them to, well, dress modestly. One line says, “A little more Amish, a little less Kardashian.”
Unfortunately, the song created backlash, with both believers and non-believers, and West since deleted it from the internet and apologized for the unintended messages. You can read the whole story here.
One quote in the article from Oklahoma pastor Jeremy Coleman was critical of the song and it really struck a nerve with me.
“Women are far too often shamed and blamed for the abhorrent behavior of men,” Coleman continued. So the idea of ‘Modest Is Hottest’ is saying that, because men can’t control their lustful desires, you have to change who you are. It’s the same mentality that inevitably produces victim blaming for sexual abuse victims. We need men to take responsibility for their eyes, thoughts, and actions.”
I’m not going to debate whether or not the song promoted gender stereotypes, there’s enough analysis of that already out on the internet. I want to focus on that quote and specifically the last line.
“We need men to take responsibility for their eyes, thoughts, and actions.”
Boom. Amen.
Men, it is absolutely time for us to take some accountability in this world.
For years, I used the mask I was wearing to hide my sins and to protect me from having to take accountability for the porn, sex, pot and booze I was consuming. I blamed everyone else for my illicit behaviors and addictions.
My mom. It was her fault for having stacks of Playboy in her bedroom that first got me hooked on porn.
My wife. She became born-again three months after we got married. It was her fault my porn and sex addiction resurfaced.
My culture. The movies and TV shows I watched, the music I listened to, the social media networks I was scrolling through. That was the culture that infected my thoughts.
My friends. It was their fault I went out without my wife every week to drink and watch sports.
“When you’ve lost your way, you are at a very significant moment of decision. You will either point the finger or you will make a confession. That’s the turning point.” - Pastor Paul Tripp, The Paul Tripp Podcast
I absolutely love this quote from Pastor Paul Tripp. Because I faced this exact moment in my life about 15 months ago. I was lost and standing at the edge of hell in a hotel room in Chicago being blackmailed by a prostitute that ultimately contacted my wife when I refused to pay her more money.
Was I going to keep blaming others for my sins or was I going to confess everything to God? To my wife?
When I finally admitted that I had to take responsibility for my actions, that’s when God stepped in ready to help. I replaced the garbage I was feeding my heart, mind and soul and began to fill myself up with God. In turn, he helped me walk away from the worst sins of my life and I haven’t looked back.
Turning to God for help to defeat sin was step one. Taking accountability for the pain and hurt I created for my wife, for the evil I brought into our marriage, that was the next step.
Part of that process was fully admitting to Amy what I had done over the many years of our marriage. It was sitting down with her and answering every single one of her questions. Multiple times. Without being defensive about it. And the questions forced me to be incredibly descriptive about my past behaviors. It was uncomfortable and awkward. But it also led to incredible healing. A healing that was only possible when I took accountability.
I wish I had the courage to identify my addictions and sins and take accountability for it earlier in life. The relationships I ruined, the time I wasted, and the money I squandered…the price I paid has been staggering.
But today, I can honestly say that all of the trials I have seen, they have been worth it. And there is definitely joy on the other side of your trials. That’s when I began to cherish my identity in God, not the sin of this world.
Men, when are you going to take responsibility for what you watch, what you think and what you do? God will work his will through you. But not until you start pointing the finger of blame at yourself.